Lets say you had a project due for your Masters level cognitive and behavioral therapy class. The project consisted of showing a tape of you doing cognitive therapy. You film it just fine but realize later that evening that the video camera has just quit working. The camera that just worked hours before with no problem. So you grin and bare it. You then think how can I get a camera to do the rest of this project which requires me writing a treatment plan and a bunch of other things that Im sure you dont really need to know. ........ANYWAYS.....so you borrow a camera and think that it should work. Since you have know connector cords or anything to this camera you borrow from a classmate. Now it is Wednesday the day of the big project. You have a camera so you think best to bring it in to Best Buy to service it. After spending your entire lunch break there you realize that not only is your camera not working, and not going to be covered under the extended warranty (that you paid good money for)because there is visible damage on the outside, your camera has been broken further while there (whose fault is still up for grabs), it will also take approximately 2-4weeks to repair You dont think more of it other than boy I hope they send the tape back that is stuck in there because there is some really great pictures of Emma on there. You go to class start cueing up the tape when you realize hmmm.....should there be pictures of Emma on your Cognitive Behavioral therapy tape? If it was your cognitive behavioral therapy tape. CRAP!! MY TAPE IS AT BESTBUY stuck in the camera that will be sent off to Sony and take 2-4 weeks to return. I am really lucky that I am brown noser most other days because I dont think he (my prof) would have laughed it off with other students. Can you top that craziness?! The suckiest part is no one to blame. At least if I could say something bad about Best Buy I would feel better but I dont know that it is necessarily their fault. I am over it though today. I realize that life has to go on and I suppose this will give me the opportunity to do better on the tape next week. Im guessing this is where I should say that this kind of stuff always happens for a reason. We will see next week.....

And now for other news. The baby itch thing. On a scale of 1-10 for intensity it is like at a 8 or 9. My friend wants to get pregnant, two of my other friends are pregnant AND going to take a water aerobics class. I ALWAYS wanted to do that but never had anyone to do it with when I was pregnant. My other friend just had a her second baby on Monday. AND.......Britney (you know Spears) is pregnant again. K-Fed is a fertile Myrtle! That man shoots with sniper- like proficiency. Wow getting a little bit more metaphorically graphic then I was hoping for......as I was saying, so yeah pregnancy is all around me, above me and under me. I cant get around it. It makes me think of all the excitement. The thing is though I know Im not ready because my excitement is strictly around getting the positive result, feeling the baby move, and the actual first moments after delivery. The rest I am like eh.. whatever. That is better then last update though because the feelings were more like God help me if I have to do the rest again. See I am moving in a positive direction or maybe not depending on who's view it is.

And lastly, can I just say that by far my little girl is the cutest thing in life. Before yall get offended realize that I believe that because I am her mother and because you think the same things about your kids AND.... she is the cutest thing in life. The little words she is saying right now are just so cute....like bubble, duckie, and wall, more, nelly, and sh*t......yes I think she may have repeated my husband the other day without him realizing it. I tried not to draw attention to it but the shhhh came out and I thought great she is going to go to church on Sunday in the Nursery and curse when the kid takes the toy away from her well...no... more like she will take the toy awayf rom them and say sh*t someone saw me do that. We will have to be watching our mouths much more apparently.

Leaving work gotta go. It is already after 6:30. Bye

Im also on MYSPACE you know!

Well I made the myspacers aware that I blogged here but I havent made it known to the blog friends so Im letting you guys know now Great... Now that I have done that....news for the day.....Well nothing all that new actually.

I do have some issues right now with my dreams though. Is this a common problem? I am constantly having dreams about my ex boyfriend who I havent seen or heard from in close to 5 years. We dated for over 5 years and didn't part on great terms. It seems like the dreams always relate to me running in to him through someone else and I keep saying to him seriously Im over it we can be friends now or at least nice to eachother and he either wants to try to be in a relationship with me or calls me every expletive in the book and tells me to leave him the hell alone. It has been all different scenarios too. Once on a fishing trip, the next it was a wedding, the next we were at a park. The dreams are frequent enough for me to think that is really odd. They seem to intensify though when I talk to his sister. My sister in law made me feel better though because I was telling her and my husband about the dreams and she was like I still dream about my ex too and hers is more than 10 years ago. She seems to equate it to a closure issue. That very well may be true because there wasnt closure at all. We dated for 5 1/2 years (the last year on and off) and I just called him one day and said I cant do this anymore I am done. We had several awkward interactions in the couple months following but the part that I think may be lingering is that I ended up dating (and now married to) his best friend (now ex). Now before you call me skankalicious or sleaze of the week realize that our relationship had plummeted long before we even became closer friends. I never cheated on him, or anything like that it just sort of fell into place after that.
Back to the dream thing................here is the issue. I have no desire to be with this man, or even really talk to him in my awake hours but it is the dreams that I keep thinking what is it trying to tell me. Should I initiate closure? That book I really thought was closed for me. I think I will let it be. No point inviting drama I guess. Anyone else have this issue? Would love some feedback!
I want to know that I am not completely bonkers.

On a lighter note though, I think I may be Bolingbrook's biggest motormouth!!! I was the next American Idol this morning in my car. I was singing Take Another Little Piece of My Heart (Janis style). If you ever happen to pull up to a woman who looks too young and cute to drive a black minivan singing a the top of her lungs complete with hand motions and gestures. Thats me. Just wave and smile as the nut drives past.
Thats it gotta go back to work!

One month since last post...SAD!

It has literally almost been one month to the day since my last post. I seriously need to get better with this. Not only for my loyal readers but also because of its therapeutic component for me. I need to get it out somewhere without directly getting it out. You know what I mean?? Well whats been going on....................
1.) Daycare issues: I am putting this message out for your emotional well being. Never have a family member watch your child full time unless you are 100% sure that the person has no problem with it. I apparently did not confirm that so now about 15 months of anger resentment, and feeling "unappreciated" has sort of hit the fan. I guess it was me being naive or something but instead of someone being outright with me and saying the amount that you pay me is not enough and I dont want to do this anymore I get snide remarks about how little the amount is that you are getting paid or how you really need to go to do (fill in something other than watching daughter). I have no problem paying whatever for good daycare and definitely dont want to put my daughter in a situation where the person does not want to watch my child. If I only knew this before it would have saved me alot fo tears and heartache. My daughter isnt a piece of meat on the auction block to the highest bidder. I want her to be in a comfortable environment where the care is only second to myself or my husband. I feel she has that where she is right now but I feel like I am constantly indebt to this individual. I feel like no matter how appreciative I am until he is making what a UNRELATED business like childcare provider makes he wont be happy and even then he really doesnt want to do it I dont think. I do believe he loves Emma and would never harm her or compromise care because he wasnt happy with us but I just think that it is time for some change. We are going to negoitate soon (withing the next couple of days) and if we cant agree I have already lined up childcare aside from that. It would only be about $150 more a month but the commute is not great and I really think she is happy where she is so it is truly my plan B. I will let you know how it goes....

2.) I am getting the fever again.... the pregnancy fever. My friend is going to labor as I write this and I think how exciting (yet painful) this time is for her. I cant wait to feel that excitement again. I do know that the time I have planned (ultimately it is Gods plan that will happen so who knows) will work the best for us in terms of work and school and finances. All I have to do to relieve the fever is think about her life for the next wo months (maybe more) after the baby is born, whichI equate to a glimpse of what hell may be like, and then I am rational again.

3.)Softball!!!! Yeah exciting. I am once again committed to two teams. I think I am a glutton for punishment because every year I get excited and then stressed about a 1/4 of the way through the season thinking about how tired I am and how neglectful I am being to Emma. The guilt becomes overwhelming. I get burnt out and for a good month after the seasons are over I cant even look at a softball without resenting the fact that I spent my entire summer playing softball when I could be planting a garden, going on a vacation, playing outside with my daughter, taking walks as a family etc. This year will be even more hectic because I will also have a 6 week summer masters class. I am putting in the word this year though to everyone that next year I will likely be pregnant or have a new little one so I am making no commmittments to anyone until I see where I am at. Readers....hold me accountable!!!!

That is it for now. Aaaah..I needed to get that out. Thanks!