One month since last post...SAD!

It has literally almost been one month to the day since my last post. I seriously need to get better with this. Not only for my loyal readers but also because of its therapeutic component for me. I need to get it out somewhere without directly getting it out. You know what I mean?? Well whats been going on....................
1.) Daycare issues: I am putting this message out for your emotional well being. Never have a family member watch your child full time unless you are 100% sure that the person has no problem with it. I apparently did not confirm that so now about 15 months of anger resentment, and feeling "unappreciated" has sort of hit the fan. I guess it was me being naive or something but instead of someone being outright with me and saying the amount that you pay me is not enough and I dont want to do this anymore I get snide remarks about how little the amount is that you are getting paid or how you really need to go to do (fill in something other than watching daughter). I have no problem paying whatever for good daycare and definitely dont want to put my daughter in a situation where the person does not want to watch my child. If I only knew this before it would have saved me alot fo tears and heartache. My daughter isnt a piece of meat on the auction block to the highest bidder. I want her to be in a comfortable environment where the care is only second to myself or my husband. I feel she has that where she is right now but I feel like I am constantly indebt to this individual. I feel like no matter how appreciative I am until he is making what a UNRELATED business like childcare provider makes he wont be happy and even then he really doesnt want to do it I dont think. I do believe he loves Emma and would never harm her or compromise care because he wasnt happy with us but I just think that it is time for some change. We are going to negoitate soon (withing the next couple of days) and if we cant agree I have already lined up childcare aside from that. It would only be about $150 more a month but the commute is not great and I really think she is happy where she is so it is truly my plan B. I will let you know how it goes....

2.) I am getting the fever again.... the pregnancy fever. My friend is going to labor as I write this and I think how exciting (yet painful) this time is for her. I cant wait to feel that excitement again. I do know that the time I have planned (ultimately it is Gods plan that will happen so who knows) will work the best for us in terms of work and school and finances. All I have to do to relieve the fever is think about her life for the next wo months (maybe more) after the baby is born, whichI equate to a glimpse of what hell may be like, and then I am rational again.

3.)Softball!!!! Yeah exciting. I am once again committed to two teams. I think I am a glutton for punishment because every year I get excited and then stressed about a 1/4 of the way through the season thinking about how tired I am and how neglectful I am being to Emma. The guilt becomes overwhelming. I get burnt out and for a good month after the seasons are over I cant even look at a softball without resenting the fact that I spent my entire summer playing softball when I could be planting a garden, going on a vacation, playing outside with my daughter, taking walks as a family etc. This year will be even more hectic because I will also have a 6 week summer masters class. I am putting in the word this year though to everyone that next year I will likely be pregnant or have a new little one so I am making no commmittments to anyone until I see where I am at. Readers....hold me accountable!!!!

That is it for now. Aaaah..I needed to get that out. Thanks!