Im pretty sure I have bronchitis. I seem to be sort of prone to it because I have had it about 3 times in the last 8 years. I am not sure if it is related to my allergies and post nasal drip (soory about the grossness) or if it was the smokey bar that I was in on Sunday for the Bears game (major no no for bronchitis and pregnancy). I tried to stay away from it but as more people came it got worse. I seriously have no motivation to be sick. I am actually angry that I have bronchitis because I want to feel good after spending the whole first trimester of pregnancy feeling bad. I can understand why the chronically ill are so cranky (my own observation). It sucks feeling sick all the time. It is a major downer. I am really excited about big premiere night though. My class was cancelled so that means I will be able to watch primetime television this evening. Im really looking forward to it.

Things that I didnt expect in second pregnancy:

-How different this pregnancy is. Who was going to tell me that pregnancy's dont feel the same or not even close. Almost everything for me is different this time around. I could spend a whole blog just listing the things that are different. I had heard that sometimes you will experience "new things" the second time around. This is the same annoying talk that I did not appreciate with the last pregnancy. It is the books, the doctors, the nurses, the older mothers sugar coating things to make them not so scary or making it seem as if this whole pregnancy thing is a walk in the park. I sort of wish that pregnancy information was given by the media. The media is really good for making things much more dramatic and scary then they really are so you can walk away saying hmm that wasnt that bad as opposed to "what the (insert expletive here) just happened to me?! They didnt tell me it would be that way!!"

-How the excitement surrounding the second one isnt as intense. Now I had a few people who were ecstatic to hear about the second child and was really excited for me. I guess I just wasnt expecting some of the reactions to be so indifferent. I think some would have reacted more if I had got a new haircut. I am not upset but more like dang y'all could have acted like I was creating a life inside me! Here is the examples of some of the things I heard after announcing I was pregnant.
"Cool" My husband when I showed him the positive test.

" I heard" almost as good as my Dad's first reaction with Emma of "Is this what you wanted?" Thanks for the support Pops!

"I figured it was coming soon."


"Is this a joke?" My boss. Her main concern likely lying in the fact that I will be on a 3 month maternity leave once again.

"How are you going to manage two?!"

"Why would you go and do something like that...its softball season?!"

My favorite yet was the outright and boldness of a new acquantance/boss from my internship when telling things about ourselves to the large group. I am sitting right next to a first time pregnant mama and she says she is pregnant and then I say I am and the boss lady says "oh great we have two pregnant women but more importantly a first time pregnant mom. It is more exciting when it is your first." I felt myself looking at my belly and inwardly apologizing to this child that I dont feel that it is second best...just second.

-I would not be nearly as pampered by others or myself. Now I have never been one that has needed alot of pampering although I enjoy it. I wasnt like that with my first pregnancy and am in no need of it now, but.... I think I was expecting to have people respect just some of the pregnancy pains and conditions a little bit more. My husband is the main one because he is the only one I expect to be concerned enough. He is the same person who cant understand why I am struggling to keep my eyes open at 8pm at night. Or him just forgetting why me carrying two cases of pop is not the best idea. He just sort of forgets that I am pregnant I think. It may sound difficult but really you have to know him. He also is the same person who opened a bottle of wine on my birthday a couple of weeks ago for me for dinner. It has started to become a little more real gradually for him but not like it is real for me or even close.

-The worrying feeling happens the second time around. I have always been a worrier. I dont think to the annoying level of worrying like because I am an internal worrier. I worry on the inside more than the outside. With my first pregnancy I worried about everything from having certain symptoms to others going away. It was uncharted territory for me so everything was new and wierd and unfamiliar. After having Emma I thought oh the second pregnancy will be a breeze. I will not be nervous I will just take it easy cause I have been here before....WRONG! A whole new pregnancy brings on whole new worries. Now granted I am not nearly as bad but still from the minute you find out you are pregnant that baby becomes yours and you only want what is best for them. It is hard not to think about it. I am okay with that. Id rather be concerned than a parent who is not. I will claim my anxiety this time around as pretty normal.

Update on the neighbor situation..... I am much better. Less guilt. We went over there Friday night and sat with her for a little bit. We brought her a plant, cards with my letter to her, and we told her that we would be making a charitable donation to the fund set up in his honor. I feel much better. Although still very much in shock and feeling lonely and that she is at peace because she truly finds comfort in the Lord. I aspire to feel those same feelings in tragedy. It makes me ask myself do I trust in Him enough?

So I am dealing with major shock and disillusionment at the moment. Last night at around 7:30 (I wasnt home I was at school) our doorbell rang. My husband dressed in his boxer/shorts and no shirt chewing his dinner answers the door...it was our neighbor next door. She is an older retired woman who has lived in the house with her older retired husband since Billy was very young. The Andersons has been a good family friend to my husbands family for many years and has been the most supportive and nice neighbors we have (next to our in laws). They attended our wedding, gave us a housewarming gift of their homemade wine and bread, and even brought us a gift for our daughter when she was born. She tells my husband that she just wants to make us aware that there is West Nile Virus in our area and that we should be aware for our sake but especially for our daughters sake. She proceeds to then tell him that the reason she knows this is because her husband died 6 weeks ago from it...6 WEEKS ago! My husband not being the greatest at comforting words stood their silenced for what he describes as 5 minutes. He offered our condolences and support in any way but in my mind it isnt good enough. She said she understands we are busy and constantly on the go and asked us not to feel bad that we didnt know. WHAT?! Both Bill and I sat for an hour and a half just in shock and ashamed that we had no idea for that long that anything had even happened. What kind of world do we live in that our neighbors would have no clue if we were dead or alive! My embarrassment and guilt are running deep today as a neighbor, a Christian, and a friend. My eyes have opened widely to the fact that I am not doing my job and no life should be that busy that it takes one over a month to realize their neigbor was dead. We are going to do our best to make up for it this evening by going over there and possibly getting her a card signed by all of the family and maybe gift cards for the grocery store and gas. What DO you get? Flowers are too little too late, just a card shrugs it off....I couldnt feel worse right now. I even feel the guilt of..do we have any standing water in the backyard that would have promoted mosquitos? how about the fact that we are the worst landscapers alive and never mow our yard or pull weeds...mosquitos like tall grass. I wrote her a letter this morning just apologizing for her loss and offering our support. They are such good people and would do anything for us, I want to be seen as those kind of people too. I am so far from it.
I would like to just lift this family up in prayer because they truly are Christ-like people. Although I know Bob is in heaven rejoicing with the Lord Shirley is now here in a beautiful little home that she had planned to grow very old in with her dear husband and now her life is forever changed in literally 3 days from something as simple as a mosquito bite at their own backyard barbecue.

I had a doctors appointment today and everything looks good. The baby's heartrate was 164 which to many people they believe girl. I am so okay with whatever pops out as long as it is a healthy happy child. I am so content with the gift of being able to have children that if God gave me all of one gender that would be the least of my problems or if I had one girl and one boy then so be it. Ive known more than one couple (actually more like 3 or 4 couples) that had to know exactly what the sex of their child was so that they could "prepare" themselves in case it wasn't what they wanted. I just find that so ridiculous. People actually think that way?! Call me oldfashioned but there are certain things in life we just arent supposed to plan! I guess for people who dont have trouble getting pregnant it becomes something that can be taken for granted. I havent had any trouble but with this topic (one of very few) I think I have a clear picture. I know people that want to have children and have been unsuccessful that at this point would hear these gender pickers and think how absolutely absurd it is. Now I understand that if you have lets say two of the same and you would like to have the other gender, I think that is fine. To want to have a boy when you have had two girls and this is your last planned pregnancy then I can understand that and cant say that I wont "want" a boy if I happen to have two girls. My issue lies in the devastation that has been described to me on more than one occasion and not only by the Moms but the Dads too. Maybe I am missing a piece of the puzzle here I dont know but seriously talking to someone that has seen women with real devastation when every month they take a pregnancy test and every month it is negative puts things a little bit more in perspective or knowing women who have gone through painful procedures to reproduce and taken medication that has made them literally sick makes me realize that happy and healthy really should be the goal here.

Can I just say that my ranting probably stems mostly from pregnancy hormones